A light look at the tools we use everyday.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, today the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate tender body parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open cardboard cartons. It works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used to remove rounded off bolts and free any stuck part.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful to suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and throws your work across the room.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints, warts and calluses.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering drop spindle trucks to the ground, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
PHONE: Tool for calling around to find another hydraulic floor jack.
EIGHT FOOT LONG 2X4: Used to pry truck upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool used for removing wood splinters.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
TROUBLE LIGHT: Sometimes called a drop light. Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit and rounds them off. - CTS